Befriending Old Parts and Birthing Something New

Here is the story of how a nerd started befriending her inner writer and a researcher is reckoning with her hidden love of magic. This story is just starting and I'd love you to join me for the ride.

Bianca Wolff is a pen name for Alis Anagnostakis. Bianca is my first name on the birth certificate (Alis is the second) and Wolff is a translation of my maiden name from the Romanian ‘Lupu’. An honouring of roots and of those missing parts of ourselves that keep nudging us to look, slow down, listen, create.

Very few people have ever called me ‘Bianca’ over the years, but whenever one did, I felt they were talking to someone else. Someone dreamy, quirky, creative, wild, mystical, artistic. Someone I used to know very well as a child, but lost touch with as I grew up. Someone I might want to get to know again some time, when I have more space. Years went by and that time never came. Until now.

I kept ‘Bianca’ private for decades. As a child, she ruled my world. She saw magic everywhere, when nobody around me believed in it. She kept the child Alis company on those long days when she felt crushed under the weight of expectations, endless homework, endless pressure and competition to be, do and perform. When Alis got scolded by her arts teacher (who in hindsight was no artist) and told she could not paint (which she understood as ‘I’m not creative’) Bianca urged her not to believe it. When Alis learnt she was tone-deaf and could never sing, Bianca said, “Yes, but you can listen!”. Bianca nurtured Alis’ love of books and of writing (even when all she chose to write was non-fiction). She later kept grown-up Alis company when she had to make big decisions, reminding her to check-in with the heart, not just the head and steered her steps through life by helping her notice synchronicity, move forward with intention and speak her truth.

Bianca loved to get lost in books that held no ‘practical value’. Books that were neither academic writings nor profound works of non-fiction, nor ‘serious literature (mostly written by dead men). Bianca (both the child and the adult) loved reading fantasy and kept getting lost in magical worlds. She kept whispering in Alis’ ear: “Life is bigger than what you can touch with your eyes and measure with your measuring sticks!”.

Alis in turn squeezed Bianca’s hand in gratitude as her message gave her hope. She followed Bianca’s advice to keep a journal from the time they were very young, which they’ve both now nurtured for nearly 30 years and turned into the biggest gift my soul could ever hope for. The journal also helped Alis remember Bianca existed, and that was not small thing.

Alis let Bianca indulge in her fantasy readings, but not too much, because Alis discovered Bianca could easily waste a whole night lost in a book, and then how could Alis show up at work the next day? Plus, Alis loved reading too, but there are so many non-fiction books out there and so little time! So, something had to give, and novels fell away.

Alis kept Bianca alive, but barely, because she was busy with other things. She kept learning, building a research-based practice, growing a business, moving to the other end of the world, doing a PhD, raising a child, building another business, getting better at her craft by spending most of her reading time on the ‘useful’ stuff. Not much time left for fantasy trips.

There were places in life where Bianca and Alis intersected and helped each-other. Alis chose a career that had to do with their joint fascination with the human mind. How do humans grow? How do they transform? Alis craved cultivating more wisdom in her life, and so did Bianca, but their ways were different.

Alis stuck with what was proven and peer-reviewed, while Bianca loved getting lost down numinous rabbit holes, forever drawn to the mysterious, the fantastical, the intangible. Alis allowed Bianca to cultivate her passions out of the public eye.

Alis had a talent for explaining things logically, helping people unravel the mysteries of their own minds. She was good at asking sharp questions, noticing things, connecting the dots. But it was Bianca who sensed the undercurrents in a group workshop, who had deep intuitions about people’s emotions, needs and motivations, who guided Alis’ steps in her coaching, her facilitation, even her research. It was Bianca who had incredible premonitory dreams that changed Alis’ life, and it was she who allowed Alis’ to turn her knowledge into something vibrant and alive that might make a difference for people.

In the meantime, Bianca read extensively about the unconscious, magic and dreams! She dreamed vividly, journaled about her dreams, and ultimately trained as a dream facilitator with the most wonderful teacher - Robert Moss. She was rarely allowed to put that training into practice, other than for small groups of friends, for it felt risky for nerdy Alis to suddenly start drumming and facilitating dream circles. So, Bianca kept that work to herself. She didn’t complain when Alis didn’t give her credit for some of their joint breakthroughs - like the way she helped Alis intuitively sense the subtle patterns in an ocean of data she had gathered for her PhD and ultimately produce research that uncovered some intriguing puzzle pieces in her field. Or the way she turned 5 years of research into a whole suite of practices in a couple of hours of full-on stream on consciousness, which later turned into learning programs that serve hundreds of people worldwide.

Bianca was content (or perhaps resigned) to sit in the background and let Alis do her thing in the world. But then, in late 2024, something happened, and Bianca decided she’d had enough. As Alis slipped into a period of (near) burn-out, Bianca asked for her long-awaited due. She took charge, for the very first time. And she LOVED to make Alis squirm!

The only thing she allowed Alis to do for nearly two months was read fantasy books. She made her feel nauseous only looking at an academic paper but magically energised whenever she picked up a novel. And then Bianca went truly wild. She presented Alis with this outrageous, crazy, incomprehensibly reckless thought of actually writing a fantasy novel herself.

Alis fought tooth and nail against this insane idea. She tried to convince Bianca that she had work to do, clients to call, emails to send, courses to organise. In turn Bianca responded by making Alis so tired that she simply could not do any of the things on her to-do list. Synchronicity kicked in (that was not Bianca’s doing, or was it?). Work projects got postponed and Alis found herself with some time on her hands and no excuses left. Bianca pestered her with ideas for worldbuilding, magical characters, long-forgotten childhood dreams (literal dreams!) that could turn into a story.

But Alis would not let herself defeated so easily. She started doubting herself. A researcher works for years to be able to call themself one, so how many years does one have to toil to call themselves a writer? You need formal study! Alis said, and promptly enrolled in a writing course. You need to learnt the craft! she said, and bought 20 books about writing, most of which she’ll didn’t get to reading because Bianca kept throwing yet another fantasy novel under her nose, the lure irresistible.

Long story short, from their tug of war a first draft was born.

Some five hundred pages of scribbles that somehow, incredibly, are hoping to turn into a book. That book is still being born. A first draft is a dream and revision is a pain, as both Alis and Bianca would discover. But the important thing is, they are not at odds with each-other anymore. Alis still does her work, but is now open to making room for Bianca. I am both.

Doing something for the very first time is, I find, a very rare and precious gift in adulthood. I’m ten months into this process and relishing every part of it. The scary parts. The hard parts. I’m noticing myself bump against the edges of my own competence over and over again. But my childish enthusiasm for the endeavour keeps me going. And with it comes a desire to share the process with others. Afterall, when was the last time you did something for the very first time?

While Alis has her own playground on Substack, this is Bianca’s space. This is where my nerdiness and my dreaminess collide. I believe a creative journey is also an inner growth journey and this space will document both. Here you will read about my process of writing this book, with all its thrills and terrors.

Along the way, I will also invite you to share your own readings and explore your creative self. If you too have a part inside who loves magic, who dabbles in mystery, who yearns to walk between worlds, to marry the tangible and the intangible, the practical and the transcendent and, most of all, if you love stories and fantastical imaginal worlds, I hope to make this space to share, rest and learn from each-other’s forrays into the numinous.

Bianca also has a home on Instagram and TikTok (both of which I’ve avoided for years) where I’ll post things about my writing journey and the birthing of this book.

Why subscribe?

Subscribe to get full access to the newsletter and publication archives. I’ll write infrequently, when inspiration strikes me. It might be writing about writing. Writing about learning how to write. Writing about books I love (all fantasy here, the nerdy stuff you can find on Alis’ substack). Writing about the unravelling that comes with doing someting for the very first time in your mid-life and relishing every moment of it, even the hard ones! Join me and let’s see where it leads us!

Stay up-to-date

Never miss an update—every new post is sent directly to your email inbox. For a spam-free, ad-free reading experience, plus audio and community features, get the Substack app.

Join the crew

Be part of a community of people who share your interests. Participate in the comments section, or support this work with a subscription.

To learn more about the tech platform that powers this publication, visit Substack.com.